Soaring

I think it’s been slightly more than a month since I’ve given up dieting. I feel better. I have stopped bingeing. Sometimes I do feel like I eat more on certain days even when I’m not hungry, but it’s no where near a binge. I am proud of myself. I am supposed to meet with the University counsellor this Wednesday afternoon and I was thinking of cancelling it because it is right smack in the middle of my exams but I think I shall not. I better use this avenue since I can and since it doesn’t come by so easily. This appointment was 3 weeks later from the initial consultation.

I am always thinking of my body image now and how I perceive myself and why is it that I generally don’t feel adequate enough. I am at a much better place but I know that this is just a transitory phase. I want to get stronger and I want to be leaner. But I sure as hell do not ever want to diet again. I eat healthily now and I don’t even crave junk that much. Seriously, I wish I can binge on Greek yoghurt instead of chocolates. I have been going to the gym, doing short exercises at home (when I am too lazy to go) and I feel good. I want to increase these. I want to do more. I want to go back to where I was before but it is a journey and I sure as hell am not rushing or forcing myself into anything. It is supposed to be stress free and enjoyable. So that’s what I want to do. Besides, I’ve stopped for now because I am having exams. I will continue once I am back home (though it is the fasting month but oh well, Ya Ali, madat!).

I have been writing in my journal too (though not as often). I should write more. I enjoy it. It is therapeutic. I worry too much. I worry if i exceed 1 page then the journal will run out faster but I don’t understand why I have this “Save it for later” syndrome. What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for? I mean, the time is now. I should live now. I have to stop the “When I Am Thin” thing I have going on. I will be thinner. OR at least stronger. But in the mean time, I have got to learn how to live. I have got to love myself even though nobody else will. I hate my cousins for making me feel inadequate really.
I will explore my feelings in greater depth on that topic but for now, it is sufficient to say that I always feel like shit in front of them. Maybe it’s because they turn everything into a competition, maybe it’s because they pass remarks, or maybe it’s because they get every guy they want. And I will always, always be the fat girl.

Geesh, self love? Working on it.

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My New Life: Rants & Updates

Back on here to record my progress. I feel good right now but I will come to that soon.

I feel much happier that I am no longer on any diet. I eat well. I don’t see the time. I try to eat about 5-6 meals a day but I am no longer restricting every damn thing. Sure, some days I could do better but then I am human and to err is human nature so whatever.

Monday : Ate as per normal. Skipped the croissant. Ate cereal & milk. But but but, most importantly, I started my day with a 20 min run (yeah yeah where was I and where I am, but baby steps) and I added in 20 reps each of push-ups, squats and leg lifts.

Tuesday: Same thing. I think I had a blueberry muffin this day.

Wednesday: Went for 30 min RPM class at the gym but before that I clocked in 1 min (dropped at 40 s) of plank & the usual 20-20-20 push ups, squats and leg lifts.

Thursday: Went for body pump class. Had an orange & poppy seed muffin before. But hey, no binge-ing.

Friday: Felt bad because I felt I ate a lot. I had cereal (with milk) + 1 banana for breakfast.
Had 1 banana as a snack. Lunch was steam chicken + cheese + wrap. Followed by 3 bowls of greek yoghurt. That made me feel a little sick and bloated and fat.
But i conquered the day by STOPPING. Then i went to do a mini HIIT routine. In my bra. In my room.
Round 1
1 min Jumping Jacks
1 min mountain climbers
1 min squats
x 3 times

Round 2
1 min Burpees
1 min Push ups
1 min leg lifts
x 3 times

(9 min each round x 2 rounds = 18 mins)

HAPPY NOW.

Wanna do a GRIT class tmr at the gym. 30 mins in the morning.
Hopefully we get an outing in to Stockton.

Will do Body Balance on Sunday to unwind and re do this whole thing again next week.

Onwards & Upwards guys.

Gloom Doom Go Away

To say I have been depressed is the understatement of the century. I wish I had not used the term depressed so loosely before. I really feel like there is a blanket of doom covering me. I feel so sad all the bloody time. But then, sometimes, I feel happy again.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I spoke with Evy on FB today and BOY AM I GLAD. I have been a bit naughty with my indulgence this weekend. Eating chocolate and milk and cakes! Heehee but I know not all is lost. I have been learning a lot about myself and my body image issues and while these issues are far from being resolved, I am sure I am headed in the right direction. Taking one day at a time and striking the word diet from my life. No more. No more prison. No more shackles. I am free. I eat what I want when I want. Though I gotta be a bit ore mindful. But small indulgences here and then is NO big DEAL. Life is a long long time and this is merely a speed bump. A SMALL bump in a long journey. And so what. I am much better than I ever was. I never ate till I was uncomfortably full. Neither did I eat everything in one seating, in a 2 hour period. I ate what I wanted but throughout the whole day. Yes I wish I cut back on some things but I am much better than I ever was. Really. NO MORE BINGING. NO MORE STARVING. NO MORE amenorrhoea. I love my body. I am respecting my body. And also my mind. Speaking to evy stoked my excitement at giving it a go at fitness again. I am not being a hero. No more jumping in with 2 feet ready to dance. No. I am just starting tmr off with a casual 20 min run. And this week is all about that. Runs. Then next week too. Once I get the hang of my 20 min runs I will add stuff in. Realistic, small goals. All to lead myself towards fitness and in the right direction. I feel so happy at the thought of being fit. Evy is right. No point looking back ad seeing where I was. Rather, I’d look forward with the PAST knowledge that I’ve been there before, so I can do it again (I WILL). Plus this time, it will be sustainable. It will be with proper nutrition. It will be with the right mindset. I will fail I know but I will pick myself up and love myself and care for myself and go on. It’ not a sprint. It’s a marathon. There is no TIME limit. There is no,”if I am this weight, when I reach here, if I this…” I won’t even weigh myself. FOR WHAT. I am done being a slave to the numbers. They don’t define me. I will be healthy. I will be strong. I will eat properly BUT I ALSO WILL INDULGE. No more being the cock suffering at outings and weddings. NO MORE.

I want to hire Aqilah. I might. Sem 2 When I am back. Now I just wanna do stuff myself. Who knows, I might not even need to. I might find my groove myself.

THANK YOU ALLAH.

THANK YOU EVY.

MOJO IS BACK.

I have set the alarm for 7am. Re-tied my shoelaces and I am ready to go.
Oh yeah, in the spirit of things, I did 20 half push ups, 20 leg lifts and 20 squats. HEE HEE

LOVING MYSELF.

So I Blew It

Today is Day 01.

Because I blew it yesterday. Typical fat fuck.

Anyway this is what that has been my day so far:

Breakfast at 1130am:
200 ml almond milk (32 cal)
35g Toby’s Fibre Plus Cereal (119 cal)

Lunch at 215pm:
2 hard boiled eggs ( 86 x 2 = 172 cal)
100g boiled sweet potatoes (80 cal)

Snack at 315pm:
110g Banana (98 cal)

The Food Struggle

I’ve just moved to Newcastle, Australia for my Foundation Medicine studies. I was 60 kg at my cousin’s wedding in January. But I went ‘off-course’ and piled on the pounds. When I came here much earlier than my course commencement I was still eating like a pig. Then my parents left, classes commenced and I had to cook for myself. I ate so little I hardly had energy to move any part of my body. I felt I had a cold shoulder when I tried lifting my arms. A typical day for me was consuming 1 hard boiled egg and 100 g of boiled sweet potatoes with a 200 ml-glass of unsweetened almond milk for dinner. Then I’d have 1 fruit for snack somewhere between breakfast and the second (also the last) meal of the day. The fruit usually was apply (free from the University’s Student Association) or a kiwi (leftover from the roadtrip while my family was still here). Then the last meal was dinner at around 6 or 7 pm and it included a measured portion of meat and vegetables and that was that.

So it’s no surprise that I felt like lead everyday. I felt so heavy and lethargic and I felt I couldn’t move. Then I binged. Starving will ultimately lead to that. But I am going to change now. I came here to do well for my foundation course and to secure a place for myself in medicine. I am not going to jeopardise that and sabotage my health at the same time. I weighed in at 68 kg today, directly 2 days after bingeing. This has given me strength because

(A) I am well below 70 kg
(B) if right after eating like a pig and I still weigh 68 kg, this means the next 2 days will easily shave off a few more kgs and I will weigh even lesser than 68.

So now I have decided to eat cleanly and at appropriate times. I will eat a chocolate piece but I will limit myself and do so in moderation. I don’t want to have to stress about my studies AND fret about my weight.

I also will join the gym next Monday onwards. I have to learn to delegate my time appropriately and not focus only on one thing at a time. I can learn to juggle my studies, my food and exercise and I will do so.

So I have started NOW. Not Monday, not tomorrow but NOW.

I had breakfast at 1150 am and these were the foods I ate:

40 g of Fibre Plus Cereal (Apply & Sultanas)
200 ml of Light Fresh Milk
104 g of peaches

I really want to get back to 64 kg at least and then slowly work the last 6-8 kg off after.
My goal weight is 57 kg.

Please help me God.

Shame on you, Daddy

I am angry right now. I have had time to think this through whilst in the shower and I have decided that the emotion I am going with right now is anger. And disappointment. But  mostly just anger.

I was supposed to go look for a laptop with my Dad after my gym session (was scheduled from 9 – 10 am supposedly but I ended at 10.10 am and had a super long ‘Catch-Up’ chat with my trainer and so I ended at 11.20 am). I came home and immediately messaged my Dad to see if he was free and he gave me a ring.

He said he had a meeting to go to at 2 pm and so tomorrow would be a better day. And he asked if I were free. To be honest I had a free Muay Thai Trial at 11 am and when he asked the question I asked back what time he was thinking of going so I could obviously see if it worked for me since I had an appointment. But he went on a rant instead saying how I prioritse fitness over everything else, and how working out during office hours makes me unproductive because I don’t do anything else. He continued saying I should make fitness revolve around my life rather than the other way and how I should be waiting on him to buy the laptop and not keep him waiting. I was infuriated and annoyed. How was I keeping him waiting? He is working at the office and I go to HIS office to see the laptops. I don’t make him come to where I am and I go over at a time he suggested. I don’t make any decisions in this whole situation. I had even gone on my own to reckee the place and checked things out. But all he could focus on was the fact that he saw me going to the gym today at 8.45 am before he left for office. What about the last 3 weeks that I have been out of the gym? What then? He doesn’t say anything about that. I bet he don’t even realise. Always focusing on what he wants and ignoring everything else. What about when I weigh myself and I get elated when I drop some kilos. What about then? He celebrates it with me but do you think that will happen if I stay out of the gym? I am not a gym rat. I workout once a day for about 6 times a week. The only exception I made was when I was on a 6-week tailored program my trainer put me on to tone my body and add some muscle mass. That was the only time I felt I had to train excessively. I was in the gym twice a day and I rarely took and rest days although Sundays were my days off.

My dad is a bloody workaholic. He goes to work EVERY day, even on Sundays when he is not lazy. I know that between his goings to the office and my time spent in the gym, his can be said to me more ‘productive’ because he brings home the dough. But I get fitter and healthier and I feel happy! Doesn’t that count? Just because your job seems to be what is practical for you and the family doesn’t mean it is anymore important than mine. Fine, for you at your age and at this stage in your life this is the thing you are SUPPOSED to do and that you enjoy doing anyway. But I got my own life to live and my own mistakes to make. I want to workout. It makes me happy and keeps me secure. It doesn’t mean my activity is any less weighted or significant than yours. You have no right to discount what makes me happy. This is the first time ever I feel like I cannot bring myself to ask my OWN father for more money to have more sessions with my trainer or to go for bootcamps and I ask why? What’s so bad about treating my body right and working hard to make it better? What’s so bad about having fitness as a hobby? Would you rather I dabble in drugs instead? Or go out having promiscuous sex AFTER office hours?

The only reason I am working out during office hours (what the hell was this about I don’t understand? Why would someone have an argument based on my working out between times of 9 am to 5 pm I fail to understand) is because you HARDLY allow us to do anything other than STAY cooped up at home when you’re home. And guess what genius, you’re only home AFTER office hours.

I have done everything my Dad wants me to. Sure, I may not help him out much at the office or at all because I have my whole life to work in a bloody office (not forgetting the fact that this has nothing to do with my career plans). But this? This fitness thing? The doing what I want when I want and how I want – it’s not going to be this way forever. Yes, I understand that you had to work hard and all that but don’t you wish for me to enjoy my life specifically since you KNOW how hard life is and that once I am graduated with my second degree I will never and I mean NEVER get a chance to do this again?

I know you have worries but don’t you think I get worried too? I have been the fat kid my whole life and now when I am so close, so so close to being a normal person in a perfectly normal weight range, why are you stopping me? Why are you being an obstacle in my path to success? I am trying to be the best I can be NOW because (a) who knows when I will die (b) I don’t know what’s in store for me in Australia! Will I get a good gym? How about food? What about timings? Can I squeeze in a workout a day?

I don’t want to get fat. I have worked so hard to get here. I don’t want to retain water and have a bloated belly. AND I DON’T WANT MY MUSCLES TO ATROPHY. They do you know after 3-4 weeks of inactivity. Why would I want to reverse all my hard work? It’s akin to me asking you to set your office on fire after 12 years of all the hard work you put in setting in up.

What I am saying is yes you have your own problems and your own worries but so do I! At my age these things matter to me and they are JUST as important. I don’t want saggy skin, I hate my stretch marks but these I cannot control. What I can control is my dedication to working out and my muscle mass. So these I will do. And shame on you for trying to stop me.

It’s a healthy hobby and even if for a little while I get to obsess about it and make it my life you should let me because can you guarantee that I can do all these later on? Can you? Plus you allow R to do what he wants (including late night shit and having a girlfriend – bloody double standard) and play cricket 24/7 but you’re seriously going to be a pain in the ass when I am trying to get thin?

Thanks a bunch. Now I am just disappointed and for the first time (again) I wish I had my own money so I didn’t have to ask you for more exercise classes. Just because you raise your voice doesn’t mean you’re always right. Just because you pay for my classes doesn’t give you the right to make me feel obliged to return the ‘favour’ by working in your damn office. Just because you LOVE working in your office doesn’t mean WE gotta love it too.

Plus, I have had enough of the parents thinking I am being too uptight when I reject eating outside with them and would rather eat home-cooked food. It’s a bloody irony. I am trying to be healthy (and save you some money eating at home) and all you can think of me is that I am too rigid? I cannot SWALLOW such gross food. Most of the time it upsets my stomach. And DON’T YOU THINK I WANT TO EAT WITH YOU? All those ice creams and chocolates? They kill me every time I look at them. But taking a taste is worse than not taking it at all. It’s the same reason an alcoholic doesn’t simply ‘take a sip’ of wine.

A Sorceress Was Born

“A person can only rise so high. Now I’m rising above, but there’s a ceiling and I’m about to hit it.” – Dr. Miranda Bailey

And so it goes on and on. It never really stops, does it this family drama? I know I am rambling so I shall pause, take a breath, attempt to calm myself down.. and truly begin this horrific story about the BIG ARSED COUSIN of mine.

After the whole invasion episode, it is fair to say I was behaving slightly (but not alarmingly) standofish with the whale. I mean, you can’t possibly ransack my house, tear apart my privacy leaving only destruction in your wake and expect me to be all smiles and welcomes. But never once did I make it clear I did not want her in my house (alright maybe once when she came up and I didn’t even turn to look at her face. I stayed in the kitchen, dutifully making pancakes and ignoring her). But that apart, we actually were still cordial when we worked out together in the gym (though when I think about it now, I was a little moody but I shall stop trying to implicate myself any further).

So on Friday evening (2 days ago), I received a text message from the abomination that must surely be God’s worst mistake (after the creation of the Devil himself). She said she wanted to borrow some face paint for Halloween that she lent me a couple of years back. I replied saying that since I didn’t use it at all she could have it back. I also said I had passed them to my maid and anytime she’s nearby she can call my maid down.

She replied something cryptic like,” I wouldn’t have minded coming up to get them but no worries, thanks anyway.” I WAS DOING HER  A FAVOUR (in actuality) saving her a trip from coming up to have to collect the face paint. BUT NO, being the bitch she is, she had to act all bitchy.

I left it at that because I wanted to shower. But then I realised, there was still a leeway for her to come to my house (she has a knack for inserting and appearing in places where she’s clearly unwanted) if the product was lying in my house. I got my younger sister who was sending another sister of mine (yes there are 6 kids in my house) for tuition classes and I told her to drop those face paint off. And she did. So when she reached, she called MEGA BITCH WITH FAT ARSE out to collect them but she started rambling on the phone how she is upset because clearly i was behaving rudely and making it obvious that she in unwelcomed in my house (though that is the truth, I never MADE it that obvious, I swear). If you were to go by my messages and the way we were still cordially talking and working out, you would never have jumped to the conclusion she did (I further corroborated this when I told my parents the incident of the FLARING-UP-FOR-NO-REASON and he agreed she was just creaking a ruckus over nothing). She made a big drama about how HER dad would be so upset and how she will no longer come to our house since she is unwelcomed here. My sister tried to calm her down and told her she is over reading into what was a typical message but she wasn’t one to calm down (and according to her, she also wasn’t one to blow things out of proportion. WHAT WAS THIS THEN? If this isn’t what you’d call making a mountain of a molehill, can you imagine the kind of DRAMA she is used to?). My sister simply ended the conversation and she received 2 more texts after that affirming that said cousin wouldn’t come over ever.

Then I came home and was alerted to the drama and I rang her up immediately to clear the air. I did not want my families involved because truth be told, my Dad gets affected when his brother doesn’t speak to him (as is normal) and knowing this sorceress, she is capable of magicking something out of nothing (as seen in the episode), and she is also very capable at manipulating facts and I was afraid she could do some potential damage. So I made light on the phone and I even What’s Apped her but she didn’t reply. On the phone she said she’d call me back. She didn’t till Sunday.

I actually posted a picture of a quote that was about throwing out people who sucked the happiness out of your life and I blocked her on What’s App and my phone but she still managed to send me an SMS after (Gotta check my damn phone’s ability to add contacts to the reject list PROPERLY). She said can she come collect those personal training sheets my trainer had left us (her copy was with me). I didn’t reply and she called but I was on the other line.

So after a while (even though I put the phone down pretty quickly), I called her back and she was all normal. THAT BITCH. Really a meg, fucking two-faced cow. Always creating drama. If she thinks we are ever going to be normal after this well, she’s in for a shock and she can take her 2 FAT faces and go for a bloody hike to hell.

I hate her and she is one person who’s death will mean nothing but an interminable road filled with happiness.

I really wish I could just cut out these toxic bitches from my life and carry on because really I was much better when I used to ignore her (yes her antics started from way back and she was and is the bane of my existence).

Gosh! This sucks. But now, I gotta go back to behaving like a hypocrite who likes her because my pansy family cannot afford to get into a feud.