To say I have been depressed is the understatement of the century. I wish I had not used the term depressed so loosely before. I really feel like there is a blanket of doom covering me. I feel so sad all the bloody time. But then, sometimes, I feel happy again.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I spoke with Evy on FB today and BOY AM I GLAD. I have been a bit naughty with my indulgence this weekend. Eating chocolate and milk and cakes! Heehee but I know not all is lost. I have been learning a lot about myself and my body image issues and while these issues are far from being resolved, I am sure I am headed in the right direction. Taking one day at a time and striking the word diet from my life. No more. No more prison. No more shackles. I am free. I eat what I want when I want. Though I gotta be a bit ore mindful. But small indulgences here and then is NO big DEAL. Life is a long long time and this is merely a speed bump. A SMALL bump in a long journey. And so what. I am much better than I ever was. I never ate till I was uncomfortably full. Neither did I eat everything in one seating, in a 2 hour period. I ate what I wanted but throughout the whole day. Yes I wish I cut back on some things but I am much better than I ever was. Really. NO MORE BINGING. NO MORE STARVING. NO MORE amenorrhoea. I love my body. I am respecting my body. And also my mind. Speaking to evy stoked my excitement at giving it a go at fitness again. I am not being a hero. No more jumping in with 2 feet ready to dance. No. I am just starting tmr off with a casual 20 min run. And this week is all about that. Runs. Then next week too. Once I get the hang of my 20 min runs I will add stuff in. Realistic, small goals. All to lead myself towards fitness and in the right direction. I feel so happy at the thought of being fit. Evy is right. No point looking back ad seeing where I was. Rather, I’d look forward with the PAST knowledge that I’ve been there before, so I can do it again (I WILL). Plus this time, it will be sustainable. It will be with proper nutrition. It will be with the right mindset. I will fail I know but I will pick myself up and love myself and care for myself and go on. It’ not a sprint. It’s a marathon. There is no TIME limit. There is no,”if I am this weight, when I reach here, if I this…” I won’t even weigh myself. FOR WHAT. I am done being a slave to the numbers. They don’t define me. I will be healthy. I will be strong. I will eat properly BUT I ALSO WILL INDULGE. No more being the cock suffering at outings and weddings. NO MORE.
I want to hire Aqilah. I might. Sem 2 When I am back. Now I just wanna do stuff myself. Who knows, I might not even need to. I might find my groove myself.
THANK YOU ALLAH.
THANK YOU EVY.
MOJO IS BACK.
I have set the alarm for 7am. Re-tied my shoelaces and I am ready to go.
Oh yeah, in the spirit of things, I did 20 half push ups, 20 leg lifts and 20 squats. HEE HEE