Soaring

I think it’s been slightly more than a month since I’ve given up dieting. I feel better. I have stopped bingeing. Sometimes I do feel like I eat more on certain days even when I’m not hungry, but it’s no where near a binge. I am proud of myself. I am supposed to meet with the University counsellor this Wednesday afternoon and I was thinking of cancelling it because it is right smack in the middle of my exams but I think I shall not. I better use this avenue since I can and since it doesn’t come by so easily. This appointment was 3 weeks later from the initial consultation.

I am always thinking of my body image now and how I perceive myself and why is it that I generally don’t feel adequate enough. I am at a much better place but I know that this is just a transitory phase. I want to get stronger and I want to be leaner. But I sure as hell do not ever want to diet again. I eat healthily now and I don’t even crave junk that much. Seriously, I wish I can binge on Greek yoghurt instead of chocolates. I have been going to the gym, doing short exercises at home (when I am too lazy to go) and I feel good. I want to increase these. I want to do more. I want to go back to where I was before but it is a journey and I sure as hell am not rushing or forcing myself into anything. It is supposed to be stress free and enjoyable. So that’s what I want to do. Besides, I’ve stopped for now because I am having exams. I will continue once I am back home (though it is the fasting month but oh well, Ya Ali, madat!).

I have been writing in my journal too (though not as often). I should write more. I enjoy it. It is therapeutic. I worry too much. I worry if i exceed 1 page then the journal will run out faster but I don’t understand why I have this “Save it for later” syndrome. What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for? I mean, the time is now. I should live now. I have to stop the “When I Am Thin” thing I have going on. I will be thinner. OR at least stronger. But in the mean time, I have got to learn how to live. I have got to love myself even though nobody else will. I hate my cousins for making me feel inadequate really.
I will explore my feelings in greater depth on that topic but for now, it is sufficient to say that I always feel like shit in front of them. Maybe it’s because they turn everything into a competition, maybe it’s because they pass remarks, or maybe it’s because they get every guy they want. And I will always, always be the fat girl.

Geesh, self love? Working on it.

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Dear Person on the Beach

Daily Prompt Challenge: What does the message in the bottle say?

What does it say?

The message says:

Dear person on the beach, why are you so unhappy? Why do you seem so forlorn and lost? Do you not like where you are at? Do you not feel gratitude for all that you already have?

Dear person on the beach, I know it seems tough at times, to feel stuck in time. To feel unmoving and still, so still that you feel even the air surrounding you freeze in time. To feel that it solidifies and it becomes harder to breathe in.

Dear person on the beach, I know that you are a grateful person. I know that you are thankful for all that you have – the people in your life, the food on your table, the roof over your head and the clothes on your back. I also know that it is OK to want to leave everything behind. To wish to travel the world and learn new things. To feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair.

Dear person on the beach, it is alright to take off. Take flight. Go anywhere you wish. It is perfectly fine to unbind all the shackles that are holding you down and explore unrestrained into the vast wilderness that is Mother Earth.

Dear person on the beach, I know that the stillness you feel while stranded on this island is far different from the stillness you wish to experience in another continent as snow falls and floods your vision till there is nothing but white all over. So white, it makes the land seem like bone.

Dear person on the beach, I understand that you wish to taste the snowflakes squirreling down on from the heavens above on your tongue. That you wish to feel the cold trying to push its icy fingers into the soft fur coat you’re wearing to touch your bare skin. To leave you feeling chilly and to raise your hackles. That you want to feel the ridges of your skin as goose bumps start to appear.

Dear person on the beach, I know that there are times you wish to feel the waves crashing at your feet as you stand in solitude at the edge of the sea, feet sinking into the warm sand. To feel the grains move all over your feet, scratching, probing, itching you along.

Dear person on the beach, time is running out and it is OK to do whatever you want, to go wherever you wish and see everything you can.

Dear person on the beach, stop looking so forlorn and lost. Stop despairing because no one but you is holding you down. Go, run, fly to where you want because time and tide wait for no man.

Dear person on the beach, make the most out of the time you have here on Earth because no one knows when he is forever leaving. No one knows where he will be permanently stuck in another place with no out.

Dear person on the beach, this is your chance.