A Sorceress Was Born

“A person can only rise so high. Now I’m rising above, but there’s a ceiling and I’m about to hit it.” – Dr. Miranda Bailey

And so it goes on and on. It never really stops, does it this family drama? I know I am rambling so I shall pause, take a breath, attempt to calm myself down.. and truly begin this horrific story about the BIG ARSED COUSIN of mine.

After the whole invasion episode, it is fair to say I was behaving slightly (but not alarmingly) standofish with the whale. I mean, you can’t possibly ransack my house, tear apart my privacy leaving only destruction in your wake and expect me to be all smiles and welcomes. But never once did I make it clear I did not want her in my house (alright maybe once when she came up and I didn’t even turn to look at her face. I stayed in the kitchen, dutifully making pancakes and ignoring her). But that apart, we actually were still cordial when we worked out together in the gym (though when I think about it now, I was a little moody but I shall stop trying to implicate myself any further).

So on Friday evening (2 days ago), I received a text message from the abomination that must surely be God’s worst mistake (after the creation of the Devil himself). She said she wanted to borrow some face paint for Halloween that she lent me a couple of years back. I replied saying that since I didn’t use it at all she could have it back. I also said I had passed them to my maid and anytime she’s nearby she can call my maid down.

She replied something cryptic like,” I wouldn’t have minded coming up to get them but no worries, thanks anyway.” I WAS DOING HER  A FAVOUR (in actuality) saving her a trip from coming up to have to collect the face paint. BUT NO, being the bitch she is, she had to act all bitchy.

I left it at that because I wanted to shower. But then I realised, there was still a leeway for her to come to my house (she has a knack for inserting and appearing in places where she’s clearly unwanted) if the product was lying in my house. I got my younger sister who was sending another sister of mine (yes there are 6 kids in my house) for tuition classes and I told her to drop those face paint off. And she did. So when she reached, she called MEGA BITCH WITH FAT ARSE out to collect them but she started rambling on the phone how she is upset because clearly i was behaving rudely and making it obvious that she in unwelcomed in my house (though that is the truth, I never MADE it that obvious, I swear). If you were to go by my messages and the way we were still cordially talking and working out, you would never have jumped to the conclusion she did (I further corroborated this when I told my parents the incident of the FLARING-UP-FOR-NO-REASON and he agreed she was just creaking a ruckus over nothing). She made a big drama about how HER dad would be so upset and how she will no longer come to our house since she is unwelcomed here. My sister tried to calm her down and told her she is over reading into what was a typical message but she wasn’t one to calm down (and according to her, she also wasn’t one to blow things out of proportion. WHAT WAS THIS THEN? If this isn’t what you’d call making a mountain of a molehill, can you imagine the kind of DRAMA she is used to?). My sister simply ended the conversation and she received 2 more texts after that affirming that said cousin wouldn’t come over ever.

Then I came home and was alerted to the drama and I rang her up immediately to clear the air. I did not want my families involved because truth be told, my Dad gets affected when his brother doesn’t speak to him (as is normal) and knowing this sorceress, she is capable of magicking something out of nothing (as seen in the episode), and she is also very capable at manipulating facts and I was afraid she could do some potential damage. So I made light on the phone and I even What’s Apped her but she didn’t reply. On the phone she said she’d call me back. She didn’t till Sunday.

I actually posted a picture of a quote that was about throwing out people who sucked the happiness out of your life and I blocked her on What’s App and my phone but she still managed to send me an SMS after (Gotta check my damn phone’s ability to add contacts to the reject list PROPERLY). She said can she come collect those personal training sheets my trainer had left us (her copy was with me). I didn’t reply and she called but I was on the other line.

So after a while (even though I put the phone down pretty quickly), I called her back and she was all normal. THAT BITCH. Really a meg, fucking two-faced cow. Always creating drama. If she thinks we are ever going to be normal after this well, she’s in for a shock and she can take her 2 FAT faces and go for a bloody hike to hell.

I hate her and she is one person who’s death will mean nothing but an interminable road filled with happiness.

I really wish I could just cut out these toxic bitches from my life and carry on because really I was much better when I used to ignore her (yes her antics started from way back and she was and is the bane of my existence).

Gosh! This sucks. But now, I gotta go back to behaving like a hypocrite who likes her because my pansy family cannot afford to get into a feud.

The Journey Begins

It feels as though I am back to square one. I keep thinking of where I was and where I am now and I feel so helpless and powerless. I feel so damn useless, that I let myself slip this way. That I let myself go. It’s too much.

I was 72.2kg before leaving for my UK trip. In less than 2 weeks (10 days to be exact) I put on about 8kg of body weight. I know some of it was water and when I came home, I promised myself never to binge this way again. I vowed never to let myself fall that much. And so, I stuck on my program for 1.5 weeks. In the first week, I lost about 3.1kg or thereabouts. I knew I just had to stick with it to lose the remaining water weight but I didn’t. Instead, I had another binge eating session. I could try and justify myself saying I was worried because I have recently developed hypothyroidism and I thought it was because of the diet. But I know now, that is most likely not the case. I shouldn’t have eaten like that. I got ill (again) with the large intake of sugary foods. I puked because it was too much (not because I induced myself to). And now I feel disappointed. I feel like I am back to where I was 40kg ago, where I was struggling to control my appetite, when I lied and ate chocolates stealthily, where I feel that no matter what I do, I will end up being fat. I hate my cravings, I hate that I give in, I hate the feeling after. What do I do?

I have seen the doctor and now that I am more or less certain my hypothyroidism has nothing to do with my diet, I am back on it. I will stick to it. I will write everything I am feeling and chart my progress.

I want you guys to know that whatever it is, you can get back up again. No fall is too great. No hurdle too terrible. We all fall and we shall rise again.

I have binged many times, but tomorrow is a new day. Time to buck the fuck up and take on this challenge. People have their fair share of problems and mine is with my weight. So I am going to rise to the challenge and overcome it.

Today was day 1 and while I had some cravings, it wasn’t too bad. I feel bloated and swollen and my skin feels sore. Apparently, this is common with binge eating disorders where people binge on sugary foods after a long while. The body is unable to fathom the sugar as it has been deprived of it for a long while. Hence it swells and starts treating it as an infection to be fought, so edemas form, making you feel like you’re bruised all over. It hurts to touch me. I feel sore.But this is it. I am not going to suffer this anymore. I will fight it. I will allow myself some chocolates now and then but my main aim is to reduce my weight back to where I was. I will weigh myself this Sunday and I shall update my statistics and no matter what the number on the scale says, I know it is not the end. That this number shall be the heaviest I will see, ever. That this is the LAST time I shall even see those figures. After this, everytime I take my  weight, the numbers will go DOWN. I promise you that much. Or at least, it will stay the same. No more putting on. No more upward curves. Everything is going to be better from now on. I will make sure I love myself enough to do myself this justice. To do my body this good deed. Because I deserve it. So does my body.

weight-scale

I will not be demotivated or depressed about the scale. And I will stop seeing the time I lost while on my binge eating spree. I know I could have utilised that time to lose more weight and be thinner than I am now, but no. I made a mistake and I am forgiving myself. Because folks, that’s the most important first step.

Stay tuned. A brand new me is emerging.