Shame on you, Daddy

I am angry right now. I have had time to think this through whilst in the shower and I have decided that the emotion I am going with right now is anger. And disappointment. But  mostly just anger.

I was supposed to go look for a laptop with my Dad after my gym session (was scheduled from 9 – 10 am supposedly but I ended at 10.10 am and had a super long ‘Catch-Up’ chat with my trainer and so I ended at 11.20 am). I came home and immediately messaged my Dad to see if he was free and he gave me a ring.

He said he had a meeting to go to at 2 pm and so tomorrow would be a better day. And he asked if I were free. To be honest I had a free Muay Thai Trial at 11 am and when he asked the question I asked back what time he was thinking of going so I could obviously see if it worked for me since I had an appointment. But he went on a rant instead saying how I prioritse fitness over everything else, and how working out during office hours makes me unproductive because I don’t do anything else. He continued saying I should make fitness revolve around my life rather than the other way and how I should be waiting on him to buy the laptop and not keep him waiting. I was infuriated and annoyed. How was I keeping him waiting? He is working at the office and I go to HIS office to see the laptops. I don’t make him come to where I am and I go over at a time he suggested. I don’t make any decisions in this whole situation. I had even gone on my own to reckee the place and checked things out. But all he could focus on was the fact that he saw me going to the gym today at 8.45 am before he left for office. What about the last 3 weeks that I have been out of the gym? What then? He doesn’t say anything about that. I bet he don’t even realise. Always focusing on what he wants and ignoring everything else. What about when I weigh myself and I get elated when I drop some kilos. What about then? He celebrates it with me but do you think that will happen if I stay out of the gym? I am not a gym rat. I workout once a day for about 6 times a week. The only exception I made was when I was on a 6-week tailored program my trainer put me on to tone my body and add some muscle mass. That was the only time I felt I had to train excessively. I was in the gym twice a day and I rarely took and rest days although Sundays were my days off.

My dad is a bloody workaholic. He goes to work EVERY day, even on Sundays when he is not lazy. I know that between his goings to the office and my time spent in the gym, his can be said to me more ‘productive’ because he brings home the dough. But I get fitter and healthier and I feel happy! Doesn’t that count? Just because your job seems to be what is practical for you and the family doesn’t mean it is anymore important than mine. Fine, for you at your age and at this stage in your life this is the thing you are SUPPOSED to do and that you enjoy doing anyway. But I got my own life to live and my own mistakes to make. I want to workout. It makes me happy and keeps me secure. It doesn’t mean my activity is any less weighted or significant than yours. You have no right to discount what makes me happy. This is the first time ever I feel like I cannot bring myself to ask my OWN father for more money to have more sessions with my trainer or to go for bootcamps and I ask why? What’s so bad about treating my body right and working hard to make it better? What’s so bad about having fitness as a hobby? Would you rather I dabble in drugs instead? Or go out having promiscuous sex AFTER office hours?

The only reason I am working out during office hours (what the hell was this about I don’t understand? Why would someone have an argument based on my working out between times of 9 am to 5 pm I fail to understand) is because you HARDLY allow us to do anything other than STAY cooped up at home when you’re home. And guess what genius, you’re only home AFTER office hours.

I have done everything my Dad wants me to. Sure, I may not help him out much at the office or at all because I have my whole life to work in a bloody office (not forgetting the fact that this has nothing to do with my career plans). But this? This fitness thing? The doing what I want when I want and how I want – it’s not going to be this way forever. Yes, I understand that you had to work hard and all that but don’t you wish for me to enjoy my life specifically since you KNOW how hard life is and that once I am graduated with my second degree I will never and I mean NEVER get a chance to do this again?

I know you have worries but don’t you think I get worried too? I have been the fat kid my whole life and now when I am so close, so so close to being a normal person in a perfectly normal weight range, why are you stopping me? Why are you being an obstacle in my path to success? I am trying to be the best I can be NOW because (a) who knows when I will die (b) I don’t know what’s in store for me in Australia! Will I get a good gym? How about food? What about timings? Can I squeeze in a workout a day?

I don’t want to get fat. I have worked so hard to get here. I don’t want to retain water and have a bloated belly. AND I DON’T WANT MY MUSCLES TO ATROPHY. They do you know after 3-4 weeks of inactivity. Why would I want to reverse all my hard work? It’s akin to me asking you to set your office on fire after 12 years of all the hard work you put in setting in up.

What I am saying is yes you have your own problems and your own worries but so do I! At my age these things matter to me and they are JUST as important. I don’t want saggy skin, I hate my stretch marks but these I cannot control. What I can control is my dedication to working out and my muscle mass. So these I will do. And shame on you for trying to stop me.

It’s a healthy hobby and even if for a little while I get to obsess about it and make it my life you should let me because can you guarantee that I can do all these later on? Can you? Plus you allow R to do what he wants (including late night shit and having a girlfriend – bloody double standard) and play cricket 24/7 but you’re seriously going to be a pain in the ass when I am trying to get thin?

Thanks a bunch. Now I am just disappointed and for the first time (again) I wish I had my own money so I didn’t have to ask you for more exercise classes. Just because you raise your voice doesn’t mean you’re always right. Just because you pay for my classes doesn’t give you the right to make me feel obliged to return the ‘favour’ by working in your damn office. Just because you LOVE working in your office doesn’t mean WE gotta love it too.

Plus, I have had enough of the parents thinking I am being too uptight when I reject eating outside with them and would rather eat home-cooked food. It’s a bloody irony. I am trying to be healthy (and save you some money eating at home) and all you can think of me is that I am too rigid? I cannot SWALLOW such gross food. Most of the time it upsets my stomach. And DON’T YOU THINK I WANT TO EAT WITH YOU? All those ice creams and chocolates? They kill me every time I look at them. But taking a taste is worse than not taking it at all. It’s the same reason an alcoholic doesn’t simply ‘take a sip’ of wine.

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