A Sorceress Was Born

“A person can only rise so high. Now I’m rising above, but there’s a ceiling and I’m about to hit it.” – Dr. Miranda Bailey

And so it goes on and on. It never really stops, does it this family drama? I know I am rambling so I shall pause, take a breath, attempt to calm myself down.. and truly begin this horrific story about the BIG ARSED COUSIN of mine.

After the whole invasion episode, it is fair to say I was behaving slightly (but not alarmingly) standofish with the whale. I mean, you can’t possibly ransack my house, tear apart my privacy leaving only destruction in your wake and expect me to be all smiles and welcomes. But never once did I make it clear I did not want her in my house (alright maybe once when she came up and I didn’t even turn to look at her face. I stayed in the kitchen, dutifully making pancakes and ignoring her). But that apart, we actually were still cordial when we worked out together in the gym (though when I think about it now, I was a little moody but I shall stop trying to implicate myself any further).

So on Friday evening (2 days ago), I received a text message from the abomination that must surely be God’s worst mistake (after the creation of the Devil himself). She said she wanted to borrow some face paint for Halloween that she lent me a couple of years back. I replied saying that since I didn’t use it at all she could have it back. I also said I had passed them to my maid and anytime she’s nearby she can call my maid down.

She replied something cryptic like,” I wouldn’t have minded coming up to get them but no worries, thanks anyway.” I WAS DOING HER  A FAVOUR (in actuality) saving her a trip from coming up to have to collect the face paint. BUT NO, being the bitch she is, she had to act all bitchy.

I left it at that because I wanted to shower. But then I realised, there was still a leeway for her to come to my house (she has a knack for inserting and appearing in places where she’s clearly unwanted) if the product was lying in my house. I got my younger sister who was sending another sister of mine (yes there are 6 kids in my house) for tuition classes and I told her to drop those face paint off. And she did. So when she reached, she called MEGA BITCH WITH FAT ARSE out to collect them but she started rambling on the phone how she is upset because clearly i was behaving rudely and making it obvious that she in unwelcomed in my house (though that is the truth, I never MADE it that obvious, I swear). If you were to go by my messages and the way we were still cordially talking and working out, you would never have jumped to the conclusion she did (I further corroborated this when I told my parents the incident of the FLARING-UP-FOR-NO-REASON and he agreed she was just creaking a ruckus over nothing). She made a big drama about how HER dad would be so upset and how she will no longer come to our house since she is unwelcomed here. My sister tried to calm her down and told her she is over reading into what was a typical message but she wasn’t one to calm down (and according to her, she also wasn’t one to blow things out of proportion. WHAT WAS THIS THEN? If this isn’t what you’d call making a mountain of a molehill, can you imagine the kind of DRAMA she is used to?). My sister simply ended the conversation and she received 2 more texts after that affirming that said cousin wouldn’t come over ever.

Then I came home and was alerted to the drama and I rang her up immediately to clear the air. I did not want my families involved because truth be told, my Dad gets affected when his brother doesn’t speak to him (as is normal) and knowing this sorceress, she is capable of magicking something out of nothing (as seen in the episode), and she is also very capable at manipulating facts and I was afraid she could do some potential damage. So I made light on the phone and I even What’s Apped her but she didn’t reply. On the phone she said she’d call me back. She didn’t till Sunday.

I actually posted a picture of a quote that was about throwing out people who sucked the happiness out of your life and I blocked her on What’s App and my phone but she still managed to send me an SMS after (Gotta check my damn phone’s ability to add contacts to the reject list PROPERLY). She said can she come collect those personal training sheets my trainer had left us (her copy was with me). I didn’t reply and she called but I was on the other line.

So after a while (even though I put the phone down pretty quickly), I called her back and she was all normal. THAT BITCH. Really a meg, fucking two-faced cow. Always creating drama. If she thinks we are ever going to be normal after this well, she’s in for a shock and she can take her 2 FAT faces and go for a bloody hike to hell.

I hate her and she is one person who’s death will mean nothing but an interminable road filled with happiness.

I really wish I could just cut out these toxic bitches from my life and carry on because really I was much better when I used to ignore her (yes her antics started from way back and she was and is the bane of my existence).

Gosh! This sucks. But now, I gotta go back to behaving like a hypocrite who likes her because my pansy family cannot afford to get into a feud.

Invasion

Yesterday was one of the many normal days I have been having. I went for my Personal Training session at the Gym in my condominium with my cousin (whom I hate but tolerate because it’s cheaper to buddy-train and no one else is available to do so).

My training days with E (Trainer) is usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the evenings and Sundays in the mornings. But since she was sick, she had rescheduled it to Friday evening (i.e. yesterday). At first, my huge-assed cousin said she could not make it and so I privately messaged the Trainer (instead of in our What’s App Group) to come earlier and do a solo for me. She agreed to come at 4pm (Note, huge-assed cousin is working and cannot make it any other time other than in the evenings). That was settled. Then suddenly, said cousin who was ‘endowed’ with an alarming-sized posterior sent me a text saying I should have let her in on my plans and made it transparent in the group chat that we were still going to go ahead with training (Again take note, she already told us she COULDN’T make it and I only made plans AFTER she told me she was tied up. Also, all this while when she had been down with a calf injury, this was the way I planned my solo sessions with the trainer – by privately messaging her.) I was angry but I told myself whatever and actually took the pains to reschedule to an evening session (despite it being my birthday and that I MAY have plans – though I most definitely did not. Birthdays are not my thing.). After the session we usually have to do some cardio workout on our own but since I knew some cousins were coming over I had already done my cardio before hand and I left right after training while HAC (huge-assed cousin) apparently stayed back (though just for a while because she came up pretty quickly to my house to shower because she had a dinner to attend to with her sisters, who also came over for a while and my lame-assed Uncle who’s a dimwit – I know, I have an overwhelming, uncontrollable love for my extended family). And that was when trouble began.

In case you haven’t quite picked up on the fact that I hate my cousin, I HATE MY COUSIN. She is a nosy, manipulative bitch and she thrives on gleaning information from one household so she can
(a) use it for herself
(b) use it for her entertainment as she spreads stuff around
(c) maliciously twist the information out of context and then spread it around.

Basically, she is an attention-seeking whore. She came into MY kitchen and helped herself to MY FRUITS and my GREEK YOGHURT. I was using an alternative brand and there was about 70g of it left and I didn’t care if it was FINISHED by the said bitch because usually I do not eat that brand. I only bought it because my usual one was out of stock. But then MY MOTHER DEAREST had to tell her oh don’t worry there’s another kind and she opened the OTHER fridge and took out my usual yoghurt to give her a spoonful so she could hit a 100g (oh she was using my food scale too). ALL OF THESE WITHOUT EVEN CONSULTING ME or at least PRETENDING TO ASK ME IF IT WAS OK. Bitch face.

And at that point, she saw my huge collection of greek yoghurt tubs (usual one that I had finally bought after they kept being sold out and so many places) and she went back another time to TAKE A PICTURE pretending to my sister that she had to ‘keep a food log because the trainer said so’. HELLO, if that were true you would have handed in the food log 8 weeks ago, cow.

At that point, I was still unaware of this happening and I sat down to eat my dinner across from her in the table and the bitch so obviously moved the glass bottle that was obscuring her view  of my plate so that she could SEE what I was eating and as usual comment on it.

I was really, deeply insulted and I was simmering inside. I wish she would drop dead because honestly, nobody likes her. Most definitely not me. Her invasion of my home and privacy is not something I tolerate well. I feel like I HAVE to hide in my own house. I have training with her again tomorrow and I had to tell my mother to be on the lookout for a text that I would send before coming up so she could serve my breakfast in my bedroom and under some “I need the toilet” pretense, I’ll lock myself in and eat in peace. I also told my maid/helper to change the location of my tubs from one Fridge to another (the beauty of having 3 fridges) so that when she comes and tries to take one, we are all going to tell her to fuck off. Ok now, my mum is too nice and she is only a party to this because she knows it upsets me to have my LIFE scrutinised. So when she asks (and boy am I willing to bet my life on that), we will say, “Oh we have given those away. Those weren’t for me. I bought them for a friend.” The shit we have to resort to to protect our privacy and semblance of sanity.

But I also analaysed this:
She may know what brand of yoghurt I eat but:
(a) it is incredibly hard to get that particular brand so I will say I got it from blahblahblah
(b) she cannot possibly be me. That’s just one aspect of the variety of foods I consume. Just because she knows one thing doesn’t mean she can deduce the amount, time, frequencies and type of meals I eat. In this race, she is still lagging behind. And I am happy for that. I know I sound like a bitch but you haven’t met her and she’s toxic. I wish I could cut her out but oh boy, that doesn’t happen in our desi families where tolerating gossip and being continuously back-stabbed is preferable to having a peaceful life.

It is my time to shine. So bitch, take a seat and don’t hold your breath.

F.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step

Don’t be so shocked. I know, 2 posts in 2 consecutive days? What has happened to F? But here I am, again with ample time on my hands as I sit right in the middle of Prague Airport waiting for Emirates to open their counter so I can check in and get my boarding pass and head towards the gate to wait some more. You know, I really hate transits. They are a waste of time and energy, but more about that next time.

Anyhow, I left Vienna yesterday by bus at approximately 1830 hours. I was a little sad (being honest here) about leaving my two travel mates because I knew I would be seeing them again. One is from Singapore and the other Hong Konger would be visiting Singapore soon. So not much to cry about there. More than feeling sad though, I was nervous. I did not know how I was going to manage lugging around my 2 pieces of luggage from Bratislava Airport (where the final bus station is) to the Hotel which is, yes, only 600m away. But thankfully, I managed. I bought two 35-cent tickets – one for the short, short journey to the Hotel and one for the return to the Airport the next morning. No major incidents occurred except for the time the bus almost closed its doors on me as I disembarked to carry down one of the 2 pieces of luggage I was heaving around with me. I was about to enter the bus (96) again to take my second luggage when I heard the piston releasing air and the inevitable creaking of the door hinges as it overcomes its inertia and begins to close. So the door hit me a little but it’s no apocalypse. I survived. I am stronger now because I wasn’t killed (they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger).

I walked the even shorter distance to Hotel Aviator Garni and was pleasantly surprised as the receptionist came out to help me heave my bags over the short flight of stairs and helped me check in. He even carried my bigger luggage all the way to my room for me. It was located on the second floor of the hotel, which looks more like a  motel. He spoke English reasonably well which is like music to my ears because I have yet to meet anyone who speaks decent English in Slovakia. Turns out, he was brought up in Canada despite being born in Slovakia (no wonder the gentlemanly demeanor, the helpful nature and the well-spoken English!)

I went in, charged my phone, changed into shorts, used the toilet and laid down on my bed only to realise the wifi had a code and I did not know what it was. So I went down again and the same receptionist helped me out. He was really, really kind.

I came back up to my room and was online reading articles, listening to music (thank God for the Saavan App), and watched videos on YouTube. I also messaged some friends and family on WhatsApp. I wanted to use my laptop but for some reason, it could’t connect to the Internet. Then I slept till 0445 hours the next day. I wanted to sleep some more but couldn’t. So I just lazed around, tossed and turned, closed my eyes, played with my phone again, checking for messages and likes on my instagram, etc. Then I fell asleep for a while – a really really short while – when I heard some noise. I was annoyed because it sounded like someone was either clicking something or moving about touching stuff that was causing the pitter-patter noise. Only then did I realise, IT WAS RAINING! My heart sank because I had to walk a short distance to the bus stop which wasn’t sheltered and I was going to be wet. I couldn’t afford to open my umbrella and hold it above my head because both my hands were going to be occupied with handling the luggage. I quickly downed my thyroid medication and chromium supplement and took a quick shower. The rain was light but not light enough. I wanted to ask if the receptionist could call me a taxi. And I also saw an off chance that the rain may start becoming lighter and I wanted to start walking as soon as that happens. I was ready by seven ish and walked down with my bags. Again the receptionist heard me coming down and helped me with my bags. Though on the way down, my cabin sized luggage fell and slid down the stairs which is a good thing because it meant i did not have to lug it down. He gave me my bill (I had already paid yesterday when I checked in) and..  <<WAIT FOR IT>> HE OFFERED TO DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT! HOLY RAVIOLI! I was incredibly touched and eternally grateful for his kindness. In case you haven’t guessed, I am a worrywart and his act of kindness totally lifted a burden off my chest! He picked my heavier luggage and I the lighter cabin one and together we walked to his car to keep them and then I got in and he dropped me off. He told me the hotel was still undergoing completion works and will be fully done in a while more. He explained that they would have vans to pick passengers to and from the airport in future. He also told me here that he was raised in Canada and he said he really liked Singapore because he knew it was clean and beautiful though really crowded.

I realised I had no need for my second 35-cent ticket that I had purchased the day before. But what’s 35 cents compared to the free, amazing service I was offered by the receptionist. I should have asked for his name!

If you ever have to transit in Bratislava, I highly recommend the Hotel Aviator Garni. Not only was the receptionist incredibly warm and accommodating, the rooms were also beautiful and clean and the service was impeccable. I am a little disappointed that I only spent several hours in the room because it was one of the best hotels I have seen during my time backpacking in Europe these past 6 weeks (talking about reasonably priced accommodations that aren’t 5 or 7 stars).

So I was in the airport really early. I connected to the free wifi and passed my time stalking people on different social platforms and spamming my family. Then it was finally time to take the flight from Bratislava to Prague. I checked in at the Czech Airlines counter at 0810 hours and it was fast. My bag weighed 24.2kg (whoops!) and the lady let me through without so much as commenting that i was technically 1,2kg over the allowed amount. She also said my bag would be through checked-in all the way till Singapore so I do not have to pick it up in Prague or Dubai! The day seemed to be getting better and better (fingers crossed, don’t want to jinx anything).When I was arriving in Bratislava, I had to pick my luggage up at Prague and re-check in because thy couldn’t do a through check-in for me. But thank my lucky stars (and God) that it was possible this time around because, as I have mentioned countless times, my bag really weighs a ton. The lady at the departure gate checking our boarding passes, however, looked like a mighty bitch. She didn’t smile and was checking out her nails while we waited for her to see our passes and allowed us entry. I hated her attitude. I managed to clear customs check and went in with no further incidents. Sat and waited again till it was time to board the plane. And now, here I am. Waiting in the Airport for Emirates.

I have only completed stage 1 of my 3 stages of journey back home to Singapore. I dread the upcoming transits and waiting but on the bright side, this is the longest transit I have. The next one in Dubai, I get to shop! I need to get my 11-year old sister her Chanel Nail Varnishes. I know it is ridiculous that such a young girl is already so luxuriously choosing branded nail polishes to ‘play’ with but I think it is perfectly fine because:
(a) she is really passionate about her nail designing
(b) it is a perfectly healthy hobby
(c) she is incredibly talented
(d) those cheap nail polishes cannot last long, making you buy more over a shorter span of time so in actuality, you’re wasting more money than you’re saving
(e) these nail polishes would mostly be used on us, her sisters, so really she is doing us a favour.

My route for this journey back home goes like this:
Bratislava-Prague (5-hour transit)-Dubai (3-hour transit)-Singapore.

Alright then. I shall stop typing here because I want to check in and also because my back is hurting from sitting in such an awkward position.
Till next time,

Astalavista

F

An Idle Mind is a Devil’s Workshop

It’s funny how quickly time seems to fly at times and at others, it painfully crawls by. It’s all a matter of perception I guess. I have been away from home for the longest period ever while on this trip to Europe. I am currently on my second last day here and will depart tomorrow morning at 0955 hours from Bratislava to  Prague. And my flights go on and on and on.. No, I’m not kidding. I’ll be boarding three flights to get home to Sunny Singapore tomorrow: Bratislava – Prague – Dubai – Singapore. It will take me  ~24 hours to get home!

I never knew that these 6 weeks would pass as fast as they did but then these last few days seem to go by incredibly slow. It seems all I have been doing is looking at my planner and watch how the days inch by, how the seconds seem to still and time freezes. I just want to be with my family, which is another funny story because I was moody all the time just before leaving for Educate Slovakia, my project which I signed up for on AIESEC where I get to board for free in a student’s dormitory while providing English lessons on my country and culture to Slovak students in elementary and high schools. Can’t say I really enjoyed my time doing that. All I know is that this trip has been eye-opening for one and only one reason: TEACHING IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT MY CUP OF TEA. Or coffee for that matter. I couldn’t wait to get out of all the schools, no matter how nice the staff and students were. Time again betrayed me by going by at a snail’s pace. No, scratch that, even a snail was moving faster. It was torture to have to teach the same contents over and over again to groups of students who couldn’t care less. I died trying to muster up the same high level of enthusiasm and creativity when teaching a new batch of class the same thing I have been teaching the previous 82283249231 batches! It was torture. It was plain torture and my brain cells actually degenerated when I had to slow my pace down and talk as though I was speaking to a bunch of 2-year olds. That just makes me wonder how mothers do it. How are they around their child 24 hours a day and not suffer from the gooey brain sludge oozing out of their ears after it starts degrading? Oh well, they say a mother’s love is unparalleled. I’ll just take it as that.

Currently, I’m sitting in the “lounge” area of Hotel Ibis (Budget) in St Marx, Vienna, passing time as I wait for my bus to depart from the bus station (which is nearby considering but will feel as though it is 3278462349432 miles away as I start lugging my luggage with me because it weighs a ton and oh, I have 2 to lug). My bus will bring me to Bratislava Airport where I’ll be sleeping overnight at a nearby hotel (again I will succumb to my laziness and take a city bus from the Airport to the hotel which is only 600m away because nobody, and I mean nobody, in their right minds would want to carry along a bag that weighs 252430248 kg). So in actuality, I am not being lazy. I am being practical. I do not want to reach home with arms that no longer function properly just because I insisted on WALKING 600m. So there you go.

I have been thinking these past few days just how funny humans actually are. I have been eagerly counting down my days till I get to leave the bloody EU (because it is just gross and dirty and functions as efficiently as a fish trying to breathe on land) to see my family. I miss them the most. But I realised that the past few weeks before leaving for the EU and the project, I have been moody and unreasonable and have even lost my temper countless times. I was impatient with them and didn’t stop to think how much they actually mean to me and that all those times I got mad was unnecessary and trivial. I should have taken a deep breath and just let it go! But this trip has served me well in the sense that I now know a few things about myself:

1. I was unappreciative of my family and the sacrifices they made to accommodate me and my crazy OCD habits. I will not be so petty any longer.
2. While it was hard to leave them and be away for so long, I now know that I can and my time in Australia will be significantly better as this was a preview of my time away. It is going to be for a much longer time but I know that I will be able to cope if I know that at the end of a certain time period, I will be able to meet them.
3. I learnt many new things about the EU, how many different countries use the same currency, how you can cross borders without a passport, the ease with which you can source for and book hotels/hostels and how to effectively plan trips.
4. I made a couple of new friends and I am incredibly proud of myself for not pushing people away (as I tend to do after a while) and that I persevered in maintaining a good relationship with everyone (even though secretly, I wished to murder a few in their sleep). These are the people I believe who will help in the passage of time and make it fly!
5. I really need my alone time and this trip has afforded me NONE. My alone time actually means doing nothing with family in the background. I seem to be always highly strung and too proper when I am around people I consider outsiders, i.e. friends and anyone who are not family per se.
6. While I enjoy cooking & baking at home, I cannot seem to muster enough energy to cook a decent meal here while away from home. I need the convenience of a well-stocked kitchen and I want my mother’s cooking because I realise how healthy and incredible it is.
7. The weather in Europe is incredibly unpredictable. It should be in a class of its own.
8. I CAN’T BLOODY WAIT TO GO BACK TO SINGAPORE BECAUSE IT IS SO CONVENIENT AND I AM A SPOILT BRAT.

I will detail my travelling events in a new post or else this post will turn into a 1000-page novel. And I shall end here for now. I just decided to post because:

(a) I had ample free time on my hands
(b) There is free wi-fi
(c) An idle mind is a devil’s workshop & I can’t have that happening during the first day of the fasting month! As it is, I am not even fasting..

Till next time, adios amigos!

x o x o
F

Am I a Writer?

There are countless times I decided to keep a diary. I thought it was pretty cool to put pen to paper and let my thoughts flow, seamlessly. However, as romantic as that sounds, it was never the case for me. I used to struggle and get frustrated. I’d tear out the pages from my beautiful diary, ruining it in the process. Then I’d just chuck the whole diary away because who wants to write in a hideous, torn book?

Then I started blogging on Blogger.com, detailing every aspect of my Junior College life. I had fun doing that and it was never a problem for me to come up with something. I was always getting into trouble in JC so it was easy to narrate my daily events. And, I had a best friend who was always away on chemotherapy in India and I never wanted him to feel left out. So writing had a purpose then. I wanted him to know every detail of my life, of what I have been doing, of what he thinks he is missing out on. I wanted to keep him entertained. With an aim, writing just becomes easier.

Over the years, I have tried writing time and again. I’d source for topics, I’d attempt to write stories for local writing challenges but I have always only written something halfway and then totally stopped. I find it hard to write.

I guess that’s why I love reading. Anybody can do it. It’s easy!
I have loved reading ever since I was a child.

Growing up, I had enlarged tonsils and some fluid drainage problem in my ear. As a result, my ear fluid used to collect in the wrong area, making it hard for me to hear. While this is a problem for those trying to call out to me, it was a blessing for me. I could easily shut people out (with negligible effort on my part) and tune into a book for as long as I liked. My parents had to physically shake me to get my attention.

My dad used to think I was the world’s most engrossed child, but my mum insisted there was something wrong (she was right). Anyhow, I went to the doctor’s and got everything sorted out.

But my love for reading stayed. It didn’t start then but then again it could have. I was five. I guess that’s young enough for one to cultivate the habit of and develop a love for reading.

I read Enid Blyton’s books, books by Roald Dahl. I even had the ‘Mary Kate & Ashley Phase’ because that was way cooler than Sweet Valley! I swallowed anything I could get my hands on. I wanted to know more about other things. Anything. I just loved getting lost in another world altogether. Harry Potter & The Narnia Chronicles were the next best thing I ever did in my life. I grew up just wanting books and so I have a well-stacked bookshelf with books from everywhere by everybody. I don’t have a specific genre that I love, nor a specific author. As long as I chose it and picked it out personally from a sale or a bookshop, I would read it. Truth is, as long as it is a book and it catches my attention, I’d have swallowed it.

 

Daily Post: Writing Challenge
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/writing-challenge-reflections/

The Perfect Guy

So it’s past midnight as I sit here at my table, type, type, typing away on my keyboard as my younger sister sleeps behind me on the bed that we share. I am ‘Tumblring’ pictures of elegantly dressed brides. I love seeing the typical white wedding gowns they don but what I enjoy seeing most is the colourful Indian/Pakistani wedding costumes South Asian women wear. This has got me thinking about my own wedding – when will it come, to whom will it be with, what type of clothes will I wear, what ceremonies to have, who to invite, what colour theme, etc.

I wish to find a man who is mature yet childish at the same time. He must be sensible enough to take a stand and run a household, to make firm decisions and take care of us both but he must also be endearing and cute. He must be able to make me laugh till my sides hurts and my eyes water.

I want a man who can hold a conversation with my parents. Who can convince my Dad why he is the next best man after him to take care of me. To show him that he will never leave me and will forever hold my hand.

I want a man who knows that I want to be taken care of but that I do not NEED to be taken care of. That I can be independent and strong. That I can lead my own life and make my own decisions. I want him to understand me such that he even knows when my silence means something at times and when my laughs mean nothing at times.

I want a man who knows that it is not my duty to cook for him and that  I do it precisely because he doesn’t expect me to. I want a man who knows that my place is not in the kitchen or in his bed, but beside him. I want a man who is soft and sensitive but hard and firm at the same time.

I want a man who can hold me when I cry and soothe me when I am incensed. I want a man who can be with me when I am sick, when I am down and when I am at my lowest. I want a man who wants to still be with me at my ugliest so I can show him myself at the prettiest.

I want a man who thinks I am worth it.

 

And the sad part is, I already found one such person only to have lost him
I wish with all my heart he comes back and when everything else is dark, hope is the only light, and that is precisely what I am clutching on to with both hands.

Smothered or Protected?

I feel suffocated sometimes. I feel like I am being smothered. I can’t breathe and I can’t move. I am still and unmoving, stuck in this perpetual gloom. I feel throttled by no other but by my own parents.

I understand that they think they are just doing their job, that they are only protecting me. But where does one draw the line? It’s already a thin, fine, blurry line between being protected and being stifled.

I am the eldest in my family of 6 siblings. Naturally, I am the go-to person for them. That is alright. I like doing things for them, running errands, solving their problems and even just lending a listening ear. However, there are times when it gets too overwhelming. The worst part is, I can’t just shut it down, the chaos that’s all around me. What makes it even worse, is the expectations my parents have.

I do not go out. No literally, I don’t. I go to school and back. At times, I catch up with old friends, but these outings are far and few between. I am just always chauffeuring my siblings here and there, to and fro. What makes me so angry is the fact that I find my parents constantly breathing down my neck, even though it is DEFINITELY not warranted. Their excuse: I am entitled to. I am your mother/father.

My dad invariably looks out for me to carry out his tasks. His reasons are that I am meticulous, responsible and efficient and he only has the confidence in me to do what needs to be done. This is very flattering, I know. But when I can’t seem to do my own things, doing things for others just overwhelms me. I am a little OCD (and therein lies the reason for my being responsible and efficient) and when given a task, I put myself in 150% and that drains me a lot. With all the other things I have to juggle (sending & picking, school work, entertaining my siblings by taking time apart and watching a show together), I can’t seem to find any free time for myself. As such, I get stressed. A highly-strung, OCD, stressed person almost always translates into a nuclear bomb. Yes, that’s right. It means I explode. I get highly irritable, I lose my temper in a blink of an eye and I am restless. I cannot sit still or enjoy a meal slowly because I know there are things that need to be done. If they aren’t done, they will be on my mind, growing & morphing into these huge ugly soul-sucking shapes that make me a zombie.

So, yes I understand when my parents want me to do their things for them. I do. I mean, it is give & take. They have done so much, sacrificed even more to rear us, so why should I even be complaining when I should be helping them? It is just the little things. For instance, my two brothers were watching the TV in the front living room and they left without switching off the fans. My dad shouted for me across the hallway and I hurried over only to hear him ask: Why are the fans on?

Seriously? Is that what you need me for? Was that even necessary? What am I supposed to do? Call my brothers up in person and walk them, while holding their hands, to the front and oversee them as they switch off the fans? Come on! In that same breath you used to call my name, you could have called theirs and make sure they do what they are SUPPOSED to anyway. It really is infuriating.

Other instance I find their breath down my neck highly intolerable is when I am on the roads chauffeuring someone or the other to some tuition class (or the other) and they call my mobile asking me where I am. That’s alright, but it doesn’t end there. My dad has an annoying need to know exactly where I am, meaning which street, if the traffic light is red or green, if I could be home in 5 seconds, etc. Excuse me, why the need to check up on me so thoroughly? I am not a criminal, neither am I a bad kid. I don’t do drugs, NEVER had a boyfriend, never kissed or touched anyone. What else do you want me to do? What else CAN I do to prove to you that I am on track here?!

I realise I lose my temper a lot recently. I feel so stressed out and I feel like there isn’t anytime for me, no space to breathe. As a result, I have gotten irregular, early periods for the last two months. If this continues any longer, with my parents smothering me, I might just get asphyxiated for real.

Since when has being responsible mean I cannot live my life?
Since when does doing something because I want to (like sending the kids, helping my mum run errands around the house) translate into a HAVE TO?

SHEESH!

10 Things About Me

1. My Love For Cartoons

I love cartoons, even at this age. I grew up watching all sorts of cartoons on all sorts of channel. There was the Eureka! Channel, then Disney channel, cartoon network, our own local channels. But more importantly, there were the cartoon characters that I grew to love. These characters were as much a part of my life as I was theirs. I followed the storylines of so many cartoon shows religiously and steadfastly, growing to love their intricate plots and their invariably one faceted nature. I may not have the time to watch any more cartoons these days but I recognise the importance they have in my life. These characters remain the same (I am speaking for the cartoon shows that still exist) and they haven’t changed one bit. As such, they evoke such a strong sense of nostalgia in me that I sometimes feel overwhelmed. I miss the times when I was so carefree and naive, that my hardest decision-making instances involved having to choose which lollipop to eat first, the red or the blue. Also, watching the re-runs of the cartoons now is incredibly refreshing and enlightening as our minds now perceive the same shows differently. We understand better and maturity changes the way we view things. The same show which made me laugh earlier could actually trigger my thinking and make me reflect deeper. The mind is an amazing tool, really.

Some of my favourite cartoon shows are The Gargoyles, Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Mummies Alive, Scooby Doo & Gang, Little Miss & Men, Popeye’s, Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes, Phineas & Ferb, Bear in the Big Blue House (not really a cartoon), Arthur & Friends, Power Rangers (not really a cartoon too, but), Little Lulu, The Mask..

2. Books Relax Me

I love books. I love collecting books, pretty much like the Alaska Young protagonist in John Green’s Looking For Alaska. I too have a library of books (My Life Library of unread books) to be read in future where I’d have more time on my hands and can afford to sink into a big comfy armchair, curl my legs underneath me & read nonstop for hours on end, with a cup of tea by my side. I collect books whenever I see them, but even more so when there’s a sale. I have just gone on a mini spring cleaning session to sort out my library. There were too many books and not enough shelves. How my poor heart broke as I fought to choose which books to give away by either selling or as donation to the AWARE association which will be having their annual Book, Bake & Bazaar sale soon to raise money for their foundation. (You can contact AWARE regarding their book donation drive here). Sometimes, when I am feeling extremely stressed or just when the chaos in my head is too loud, I come into my room and simply stand in front of my bookshelf. Just looking at the rows and columns of books gives me peace. It stills my crazy mind, empties it of all thought. I run my fingers over the spines of the books – new & old, read & unread – and I feel so happy. I love books & I will continue to find amazing ones and maybe someday, I’ll even do a review of those I have read on my blog.

3. Swimming Fish is Hypnotising

I love to watch fish swim. Once, we actually decided to rear some fish, thinking that of all pets to have, they would be the easiest to manage. So, my sisters & I went down to a nearby aquarium and purchased a small glass tank. Initially, all we thought we needed were some fishes and a glass tank to hold them in. But the fish-seller told us otherwise. He advised us to get a plant for the tank, so it could photosynthesise and release oxygen into the water, he sold us a light bulb specially made for the plant so that it could manufacture food despite being in the house with no direct access to sunlight, he included the aeration system to ensure well-oxygenated water in the tank and finally some figurines to decorate the tank with. My sisters & I had so much fun finally getting down to choosing the fishes. We chose cheap, colourful ones because the accessories themselves already cost a bomb. When we finally installed everything at home, we were satisfied and I used to come to the living room, sit on the sofa and stare at the fishes swimming. It was really hypnotising, not to mention oddly calming. It was great therapy. That was before the fishes started dying. We had absolutely no clue on how to rear them properly and so, even that project went down the drain. The tank is now used as a storage container in the storeroom. If you’re interested to learn how to set up your own mini aquarium at home, check out this site here & let me know if you’re successful. All the best!

4. I Eat the Crumbs of my Biscuits

As you might have known, I am on a health program where I follow a nutritionist’s advice on what to eat. On my eating plan, my snacks include 100g of fresh fruit and 4 crackers. When I eat these crackers, I make sure to wipe the plate clean by meticulously (and a bit obsessively) eating even the crumbs that fall and get left behind.

5. I Suffer A Little From OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

I have an unresisting urge for things to be in order & I get enraged when I lose things. I like to be in control, especially when I know I can. I hate getting lost as I feel that it wastes time. Wastage is another thing I hate and where I can control it, I do. My siblings sometimes find me a bit hard to work with because I need everything in order. When they borrow my stapler, I’d go after them like a dog on a bone to make sure they’ve returned it in its original place. When I know something is not right, like a book on my shelf has been placed wrongly, I’d get out of bed to rectify it before being able to sleep. As such, I sometimes suffer from anxiety attacks, but these are manageable and aren’t crippling. I realise that in times of stress, I get more anal about being in control but there are times where I can let go too. I hate to disrupt the order of my things, like when I have a series of books; I fidget nervously when someone takes a book out and disrupt my collection. I like things to be together, especially similar things. Categorising is another one of the perks of being a little OCD. This is why I find it hard to lend people my things – I feel that they’ve caused me to ‘separate’ them from my little world of orderliness.

6. I Need People, But I Also Need Alone Time

I need to know that I have people around me, surrounding me. I need the security that when I wish, there are people whom I can call or go visit to be around. Because I hate feeling lonely. In year 2010, I re-sat for my A Levels as a private candidate. As such, I was home alone most days (excluding the days I went to the tuition centre for private coaching on certain subjects). I usually woke with a start, heart beating so hard it’s like a bird trying hard to escape the cage that is my rib-cage. I don’t have to feel the bed beside me to know it’s empty. At that time, all of my siblings had school and were gone by the time I woke up to study by myself at home. Even my parents were working and would be out of the house by then. These anxiety attacks usually came on because I hated being alone at home, even when I know that in a few hours, the kids will be back home. I hate how cold and empty the house felt without the people in it. It felt soulless, devoid of any warmth and cheeriness. But at the same time, I also get overwhelmed sometimes when I am bogged down by too many responsibilities. I am always given tasks by my siblings to do because they are younger to me and look to me to help them out. And I love to help them. I do, but sometimes it gets too much and I feel like exploding. I am very meticulous and that doesn’t help sometimes because I like things to be done efficiently and in my way and so, I end up piling myself with loads of to-do lists, just to keep on top of what everyone wants me to do. I end up losing sight of what I want to do. Or I do know what I want to do, but I lack the time or energy because by the time I am done with my ‘duties’ I feel so drained and tired. I am a zombie, both mentally & physically. So, while I love being around people, I also love my down time. This is why I walk home every time I can from the train station to my house (which is only ten minutes away) because that is my time alone. I reflect, and think, and ponder. And most importantly, I am alone but not lonely.

7. I Savour Milky, Sugary Things

I love drinking milk and I love eating anything milky like the local Indian delicacies such as barfees (a sweet confectionery from the Indian subcontinent. Plain barfee is made with condensed milk and sugar cooked until it solidifies), and ras malai (consists of sugary white, cream or yellow coloured (or flattened) balls of paneer – curd cheese – soaked in malai (clotted cream) flavoured with cardamom).

It’s no wonder I also love all sorts of ice cream, though my all-time favourites are Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie, Chocolate Therapy, Turtle Soup, Fish Food, Everything But The, Triple Caramel Chunk, and Haagen Daaz’s Toffee (no longer produced here), Coffee, Cappuccino Truffle, Midnight Cookies & Cream, Magnum and others! I love all sorts of chocolate (milk and white but I also like some dark chocolate). I just love anything with milk.

8. I Love Before & Afters

I enjoy watching shows like ‘Clean House’ because they show how a house looks before & after it was de-cluttered. I love interior designing shows because they before & after images of houses excite me. I took up a make-up course and worked towards a diploma in it despite being extremely science-oriented because not only did I think the colours were interesting & fun to work with but because I enjoyed transforming clients into works of art. For some people, the transformation is incredible. You can hardly believe she was the same person without any makeup. I also enjoy baking so much because typical everyday ingredients like flour, eggs, milk, butter get turned into a beautiful chocolate frosted cupcake or into a moist red velvet cake. It helps that I also enjoy devouring these desserts!

9. I Get Angry Too Fast

I do. I flare up as hot and bright as a firework. But I also go out just as fast. And sometimes, I say things I don’t mean at all. Most of the time when I get angry it’s actually me just manifesting my hurt and sadness because my default emotion to display is anger, not sadness. So when I’m angry, I’m just really hurt and I want all those around me to feel some of that hurt and so I say things. Things I don’t ever mean. I really don’t. I see myself as a kind, empathetic person. I never wish to harm or hurt anyone, not even a strand on his or her head. So, I do hope people actually know what I am not a bad person. I just say or do bad things sometimes, especially so when I am angry.

10. I Drink Water with Lemon Slices in it

Ever since I started my health program where I adhere strictly to a food plan, I also started taking care of the amount of water I drink daily. I have never drunk more than a litre of water daily but now I take care to drink at least 3 litres. After reading about the benefits of lemon, I have started putting it in my bottle of water. I never liked the taste but slowly, over the days, weeks & months, I have grown accustomed to its taste and now I can hardly drink water with no lemon slices in it.

The things I learnt about lemon water are taken from this site and they are:

1. Gives your immune system a boost.
Vitamin C is like our immune system’s jumper cables, and lemon juice is full of it. The level of vitamin C in your system is one of the first things to plummet when you’re stressed, which is why experts recommended popping extra vitamin C during especially stressful days.

2. Excellent source of potassium.
As already mentioned, lemons are high in potassium, which is good for heart health, as well as brain and nerve function.

3. Aids digestion.
Lemon juice not only encourages healthy digestion by loosening toxins in your digestive tract, it
helps to relieve symptoms of indigestion such as heartburn, burping, and bloating.

4. Cleanses your system.
It helps flush out the toxins in your body by enhancing enzyme function, stimulating your liver.

5. Freshens your breath.
It also helps relieve toothaches and gingivitis (say wha?). Because the citric acid can erode tooth enamel, either hold off on brushing your teeth after drinking lemon water or brush your teeth before drinking it.

6. Keeps your skin blemish-free.
The antioxidants in lemon juice help to not only decrease blemishes, but wrinkles too! It can also be applied to scars and age spots to reduce their appearance, and because it’s detoxifying your blood, it will maintain your skin’s radiance.

7. Helps you lose weight.
Lemons contain pectin fiber, which assists in fighting hunger cravings.

8. Reduces inflammation.
If you drink lemon water on a regular basis, it will decrease the acidity in your body, which is where disease states occur. It removes uric acid in your joints, which is one of the main causes of inflammation.

9. Gives you an energy boost.
Lemon juice provides your body with energy when it enters your digestive tract, and it also helps reduce anxiety and depression. (Even the scent of lemons has a calming effect on your nervous system!)

10. Helps to cut out caffeine.
I didn’t believe this until I tried it, but replacing my morning coffee with a cup of hot lemon water has really done wonders! I feel refreshed, and no longer have to deal with that pesky afternoon crash. Plus, my nerves are thankful.

11. Helps fight viral infections.
Warm lemon water is the most effective way to diminish viral infections and their subsequent sore throats. Plus, with the lemon juice also boosting your immune system, you’ll simultaneously fight off the infection completely.

I hope this wasn’t too boring & was at least a little helpful. It’s not exhaustive. There are many facets to me, my personality and my nature & hopefully I can reveal more of myself over time as I blog. I am still learning & discovering myself too so there are some things I cannot yet reveal while others I do not know yet of what to tell you. So stay tuned & hopefully this entertains you for a while as you sit in a 4 by 4 cubicle, looking dazed, counting down till it’s time to go home.