Soaring

I think it’s been slightly more than a month since I’ve given up dieting. I feel better. I have stopped bingeing. Sometimes I do feel like I eat more on certain days even when I’m not hungry, but it’s no where near a binge. I am proud of myself. I am supposed to meet with the University counsellor this Wednesday afternoon and I was thinking of cancelling it because it is right smack in the middle of my exams but I think I shall not. I better use this avenue since I can and since it doesn’t come by so easily. This appointment was 3 weeks later from the initial consultation.

I am always thinking of my body image now and how I perceive myself and why is it that I generally don’t feel adequate enough. I am at a much better place but I know that this is just a transitory phase. I want to get stronger and I want to be leaner. But I sure as hell do not ever want to diet again. I eat healthily now and I don’t even crave junk that much. Seriously, I wish I can binge on Greek yoghurt instead of chocolates. I have been going to the gym, doing short exercises at home (when I am too lazy to go) and I feel good. I want to increase these. I want to do more. I want to go back to where I was before but it is a journey and I sure as hell am not rushing or forcing myself into anything. It is supposed to be stress free and enjoyable. So that’s what I want to do. Besides, I’ve stopped for now because I am having exams. I will continue once I am back home (though it is the fasting month but oh well, Ya Ali, madat!).

I have been writing in my journal too (though not as often). I should write more. I enjoy it. It is therapeutic. I worry too much. I worry if i exceed 1 page then the journal will run out faster but I don’t understand why I have this “Save it for later” syndrome. What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for? I mean, the time is now. I should live now. I have to stop the “When I Am Thin” thing I have going on. I will be thinner. OR at least stronger. But in the mean time, I have got to learn how to live. I have got to love myself even though nobody else will. I hate my cousins for making me feel inadequate really.
I will explore my feelings in greater depth on that topic but for now, it is sufficient to say that I always feel like shit in front of them. Maybe it’s because they turn everything into a competition, maybe it’s because they pass remarks, or maybe it’s because they get every guy they want. And I will always, always be the fat girl.

Geesh, self love? Working on it.

An Idle Mind is a Devil’s Workshop

It’s funny how quickly time seems to fly at times and at others, it painfully crawls by. It’s all a matter of perception I guess. I have been away from home for the longest period ever while on this trip to Europe. I am currently on my second last day here and will depart tomorrow morning at 0955 hours from Bratislava to  Prague. And my flights go on and on and on.. No, I’m not kidding. I’ll be boarding three flights to get home to Sunny Singapore tomorrow: Bratislava – Prague – Dubai – Singapore. It will take me  ~24 hours to get home!

I never knew that these 6 weeks would pass as fast as they did but then these last few days seem to go by incredibly slow. It seems all I have been doing is looking at my planner and watch how the days inch by, how the seconds seem to still and time freezes. I just want to be with my family, which is another funny story because I was moody all the time just before leaving for Educate Slovakia, my project which I signed up for on AIESEC where I get to board for free in a student’s dormitory while providing English lessons on my country and culture to Slovak students in elementary and high schools. Can’t say I really enjoyed my time doing that. All I know is that this trip has been eye-opening for one and only one reason: TEACHING IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT MY CUP OF TEA. Or coffee for that matter. I couldn’t wait to get out of all the schools, no matter how nice the staff and students were. Time again betrayed me by going by at a snail’s pace. No, scratch that, even a snail was moving faster. It was torture to have to teach the same contents over and over again to groups of students who couldn’t care less. I died trying to muster up the same high level of enthusiasm and creativity when teaching a new batch of class the same thing I have been teaching the previous 82283249231 batches! It was torture. It was plain torture and my brain cells actually degenerated when I had to slow my pace down and talk as though I was speaking to a bunch of 2-year olds. That just makes me wonder how mothers do it. How are they around their child 24 hours a day and not suffer from the gooey brain sludge oozing out of their ears after it starts degrading? Oh well, they say a mother’s love is unparalleled. I’ll just take it as that.

Currently, I’m sitting in the “lounge” area of Hotel Ibis (Budget) in St Marx, Vienna, passing time as I wait for my bus to depart from the bus station (which is nearby considering but will feel as though it is 3278462349432 miles away as I start lugging my luggage with me because it weighs a ton and oh, I have 2 to lug). My bus will bring me to Bratislava Airport where I’ll be sleeping overnight at a nearby hotel (again I will succumb to my laziness and take a city bus from the Airport to the hotel which is only 600m away because nobody, and I mean nobody, in their right minds would want to carry along a bag that weighs 252430248 kg). So in actuality, I am not being lazy. I am being practical. I do not want to reach home with arms that no longer function properly just because I insisted on WALKING 600m. So there you go.

I have been thinking these past few days just how funny humans actually are. I have been eagerly counting down my days till I get to leave the bloody EU (because it is just gross and dirty and functions as efficiently as a fish trying to breathe on land) to see my family. I miss them the most. But I realised that the past few weeks before leaving for the EU and the project, I have been moody and unreasonable and have even lost my temper countless times. I was impatient with them and didn’t stop to think how much they actually mean to me and that all those times I got mad was unnecessary and trivial. I should have taken a deep breath and just let it go! But this trip has served me well in the sense that I now know a few things about myself:

1. I was unappreciative of my family and the sacrifices they made to accommodate me and my crazy OCD habits. I will not be so petty any longer.
2. While it was hard to leave them and be away for so long, I now know that I can and my time in Australia will be significantly better as this was a preview of my time away. It is going to be for a much longer time but I know that I will be able to cope if I know that at the end of a certain time period, I will be able to meet them.
3. I learnt many new things about the EU, how many different countries use the same currency, how you can cross borders without a passport, the ease with which you can source for and book hotels/hostels and how to effectively plan trips.
4. I made a couple of new friends and I am incredibly proud of myself for not pushing people away (as I tend to do after a while) and that I persevered in maintaining a good relationship with everyone (even though secretly, I wished to murder a few in their sleep). These are the people I believe who will help in the passage of time and make it fly!
5. I really need my alone time and this trip has afforded me NONE. My alone time actually means doing nothing with family in the background. I seem to be always highly strung and too proper when I am around people I consider outsiders, i.e. friends and anyone who are not family per se.
6. While I enjoy cooking & baking at home, I cannot seem to muster enough energy to cook a decent meal here while away from home. I need the convenience of a well-stocked kitchen and I want my mother’s cooking because I realise how healthy and incredible it is.
7. The weather in Europe is incredibly unpredictable. It should be in a class of its own.
8. I CAN’T BLOODY WAIT TO GO BACK TO SINGAPORE BECAUSE IT IS SO CONVENIENT AND I AM A SPOILT BRAT.

I will detail my travelling events in a new post or else this post will turn into a 1000-page novel. And I shall end here for now. I just decided to post because:

(a) I had ample free time on my hands
(b) There is free wi-fi
(c) An idle mind is a devil’s workshop & I can’t have that happening during the first day of the fasting month! As it is, I am not even fasting..

Till next time, adios amigos!

x o x o
F

Dear Person on the Beach

Daily Prompt Challenge: What does the message in the bottle say?

What does it say?

The message says:

Dear person on the beach, why are you so unhappy? Why do you seem so forlorn and lost? Do you not like where you are at? Do you not feel gratitude for all that you already have?

Dear person on the beach, I know it seems tough at times, to feel stuck in time. To feel unmoving and still, so still that you feel even the air surrounding you freeze in time. To feel that it solidifies and it becomes harder to breathe in.

Dear person on the beach, I know that you are a grateful person. I know that you are thankful for all that you have – the people in your life, the food on your table, the roof over your head and the clothes on your back. I also know that it is OK to want to leave everything behind. To wish to travel the world and learn new things. To feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair.

Dear person on the beach, it is alright to take off. Take flight. Go anywhere you wish. It is perfectly fine to unbind all the shackles that are holding you down and explore unrestrained into the vast wilderness that is Mother Earth.

Dear person on the beach, I know that the stillness you feel while stranded on this island is far different from the stillness you wish to experience in another continent as snow falls and floods your vision till there is nothing but white all over. So white, it makes the land seem like bone.

Dear person on the beach, I understand that you wish to taste the snowflakes squirreling down on from the heavens above on your tongue. That you wish to feel the cold trying to push its icy fingers into the soft fur coat you’re wearing to touch your bare skin. To leave you feeling chilly and to raise your hackles. That you want to feel the ridges of your skin as goose bumps start to appear.

Dear person on the beach, I know that there are times you wish to feel the waves crashing at your feet as you stand in solitude at the edge of the sea, feet sinking into the warm sand. To feel the grains move all over your feet, scratching, probing, itching you along.

Dear person on the beach, time is running out and it is OK to do whatever you want, to go wherever you wish and see everything you can.

Dear person on the beach, stop looking so forlorn and lost. Stop despairing because no one but you is holding you down. Go, run, fly to where you want because time and tide wait for no man.

Dear person on the beach, make the most out of the time you have here on Earth because no one knows when he is forever leaving. No one knows where he will be permanently stuck in another place with no out.

Dear person on the beach, this is your chance.