It feels as though I am back to square one. I keep thinking of where I was and where I am now and I feel so helpless and powerless. I feel so damn useless, that I let myself slip this way. That I let myself go. It’s too much.
I was 72.2kg before leaving for my UK trip. In less than 2 weeks (10 days to be exact) I put on about 8kg of body weight. I know some of it was water and when I came home, I promised myself never to binge this way again. I vowed never to let myself fall that much. And so, I stuck on my program for 1.5 weeks. In the first week, I lost about 3.1kg or thereabouts. I knew I just had to stick with it to lose the remaining water weight but I didn’t. Instead, I had another binge eating session. I could try and justify myself saying I was worried because I have recently developed hypothyroidism and I thought it was because of the diet. But I know now, that is most likely not the case. I shouldn’t have eaten like that. I got ill (again) with the large intake of sugary foods. I puked because it was too much (not because I induced myself to). And now I feel disappointed. I feel like I am back to where I was 40kg ago, where I was struggling to control my appetite, when I lied and ate chocolates stealthily, where I feel that no matter what I do, I will end up being fat. I hate my cravings, I hate that I give in, I hate the feeling after. What do I do?
I have seen the doctor and now that I am more or less certain my hypothyroidism has nothing to do with my diet, I am back on it. I will stick to it. I will write everything I am feeling and chart my progress.
I want you guys to know that whatever it is, you can get back up again. No fall is too great. No hurdle too terrible. We all fall and we shall rise again.
I have binged many times, but tomorrow is a new day. Time to buck the fuck up and take on this challenge. People have their fair share of problems and mine is with my weight. So I am going to rise to the challenge and overcome it.
Today was day 1 and while I had some cravings, it wasn’t too bad. I feel bloated and swollen and my skin feels sore. Apparently, this is common with binge eating disorders where people binge on sugary foods after a long while. The body is unable to fathom the sugar as it has been deprived of it for a long while. Hence it swells and starts treating it as an infection to be fought, so edemas form, making you feel like you’re bruised all over. It hurts to touch me. I feel sore.But this is it. I am not going to suffer this anymore. I will fight it. I will allow myself some chocolates now and then but my main aim is to reduce my weight back to where I was. I will weigh myself this Sunday and I shall update my statistics and no matter what the number on the scale says, I know it is not the end. That this number shall be the heaviest I will see, ever. That this is the LAST time I shall even see those figures. After this, everytime I take my weight, the numbers will go DOWN. I promise you that much. Or at least, it will stay the same. No more putting on. No more upward curves. Everything is going to be better from now on. I will make sure I love myself enough to do myself this justice. To do my body this good deed. Because I deserve it. So does my body.
I will not be demotivated or depressed about the scale. And I will stop seeing the time I lost while on my binge eating spree. I know I could have utilised that time to lose more weight and be thinner than I am now, but no. I made a mistake and I am forgiving myself. Because folks, that’s the most important first step.
Stay tuned. A brand new me is emerging.